Why Austria will never produce country music stars

As European nations go, Austria might seem to have a lot more potential than most for honky tonk tunes, given its hillbilly accent, agrarian tendencies and passion for drinking, not to mention the obvious pairing of a nation of white people with a genre of music dominated by white people. Besides, polka’s got a lot in common with Cajun music, and didn’t Hank Williams make “Jambalaya” a hit? So why won’t the Klagenfurt Heuwagen be the next Louisiana Hayride?

I’ll tell you why:
1. Schnapps will never have the same ring as Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey.
2. While chaps and lederhosen may both technically qualify as leather legwear, you just can’t ride the range in leather half-britches and knee socks. Cowboys don’t wear knee socks.
3. Think of every country song you’ve ever heard that mentioned a pickup truck. Now imagine it was a Volkswagen Golf instead.
4. Willy, Johnny, Hank, Merle, Buck, Waylon vs. Lukas, Florian, Alexander, Fabian, Marcel, Tobias (and no, I am not making that up. Those were six of the ten most popular Austrian names in 2006).
5. “I knifed a man in Feldkirchen just to watch him die” doesn’t quite cut it.
6. Austrian patriotism. Instead of Merle declaring, “When they're runnin' down my country, hoss, / They're walkin' on the fightin' side of me”, Florian would sing, “If you’re runnin’ down my country, man, / I find I must respectfully disagree.”

It’s possible that with the addition of more whiskey, bigger cars, a few more guns, and a crop of manlier-sounding babies next year, Austria could have a bright future as the new center of country and western music. But until then, it looks like the nation’s musical fame will have to depend on that Mozart guy.