Most likely causes of death while in Austria

1. Asphyxiation during housefire. To get in or out of my apartment, you have to go through two doors, one or both of which are locked at night and can only be unlocked with a house key. Likely scenario should a fire occur: me fumbling with my keys while my landlady stands behind me screaming in German as we both gasp for air before slumping to the floor.

2. Intentional hit-and-run. Austrians do not appreciate jaywalkers.

3. Second-hand smoke.

4. Run over by a train when I finally get tired of the smarmy sign at the train station informing me that walking over the tracks is forbidden and jump out onto them just to show the sign who’s boss.

5. Alcohol poisoning after some Austrian (or Brit, for that matter) drinks me under the table.

6. Run over by bicyclist after failing to move to the inside of the sidewalk because the music from my iPod drowned out the sound of the warning bell.

7. Embarrassment following any one of the many awkward moments resulting from imperfect German and an unfortunate tendency to smile and nod.

8. Drive-by-shooting, since I do live in the bad part of town. Wait, wrong town. Wrong continent. Scratch that.